Don’t get smug Lauren…

After yesterday’s and last night’s whirlwind…I didn’t think today would be so bad.

Yesterday daytime consisted of me doing “mam and dad” to 4 out of 5 of my rabble all day, which never is an issue, I do it a lot, stressful yeh but I manage….except this week they have sickness, snot, coughs, temps, general all around “I will cry all night and all day no matter what you do, no that toast with chocolate spread, bananas in the shape of stars and moons on my favourite unicorn plate which you sourced from another fricking realm isn’t what I asked for now…I wanted that ten minutes ago so it’s not good enough now!!!” p.s “carry me around all day and if you put me down I will still cry, but louder”.

So, yeh its more stressful, but again I can manage on cold cups of coffee. Plus I have the added smell of snot, sick and said plate of unicorn banana shape whatevers that have been thrown on me from deamon daughter of mine, to keep me going! Gotta love her sass.

Anyhow, I was feeling rather positive about my ability to keep them all alive, fed and well…breathing all day, despite the enormous pile of snot rags at the end of the day. I felt like I needed a MAR chart by the end of it for who has had what calpol/neurofen, at what time and how much. And the wild child, Henry, was on day release with Nan&Grandad and his teen uncles at the beach, so I knew he would be super happy! He would genuinelymove in with my parents and brothers. I was trying to convince myself he would be totally safe and well behaved with my teen brothers, but couldn’t shake the feeling he had probably twoc’d a ship and they were pirating over to the canarys by now…

Still, they all were alive by bathtime and nobody seemed too out of it, except me from 45 min sleep night previous, but hey, go me huh??? I even managed to get 7 loads of washing done AND build a flat pack shoebox. Yehhh I have aced….OH MY FREAKING GOD WHAT HAS HAPPED TO MY BABY’S PENIS????

I am drying him after his lovely lavender scented bubble bath I so lovingly prepared in my moment of smugness of “ooo couple this lovely relaxing bath with sleepy baby mist spray he will go straight to sleep and the other 4” but ooooh nooooo….Stanley’s winky is just …well… looking like it really was in an episode of a freaky Halloween series and was poofed into a poisned wiggly worm!! And it was oozing!! I mean what the hell?? So anyhow I freak out, ring my parents saying I need to immediately send photos of my baby’s penis to them. Then I realised my windows were open, so every neighbour and probably the entire village has just heard me shouting I need to send photos of my babys penis to someone…great. (Cue me probably getting reported to the social now) So I snaps a few photos to my parents (it was the most disturbing thing I had ever done but my son’s Penis was at stake here! I did not want to explain to him as a teen why he had no tail and it fell off cause his mother was too chicken to check it was ok!)

My parents say that it’s definitely not normal so I then try to ring hubby, who is obviously on a cell blocker ward working in a hospital. I leave him messages about how our son’s Penis has turned purple and is about to be used in some witches Halloween broth and when he finishes call me and I had sent a photo for reference so please don’t open the message whilst on the ward or you will probably end up in the clinky.

I call NHS direct, whilst trying to bath Alfie and Freddy, (both who hate the tub but once in won’t get out) and deamon daughter who is drowning Barbie laughing in a witchy cackle. (Reminder to self that she is not bathing me when I am bedridden and elderly.)

NHS direct say it’s very common in little boys it’s ballinitus?? (Got spelling wrong again probably).

I try to explain and ask, “Are you sure??” Like, I have 4 boys and never experienced the Halloween winky snake!!!

Anyhow, they say a course of antibiotics should clear it up, and that their system wasn’t working to send prescription to tescos pharmacy (late night one as it was like 7pm by now- this is late for us ok!!!) . Great. So should I get my cauldron out now ey and make Halloween-un-shrinky-puprle-oozy-winky potion myself????? Anyhow, they said we had to go to a pharmacy open and use his NHS number and they should print it off for us and dispense said unpurple-sons-willy-medicine.

Hubby calls me, panicking that he will have two daughters once he gets home and not out beautiful banshee blonde hair blue eyed angel with black wings. Also that his pay will not cover bail money for Henry when he is older, a lifetime supply of WiFi for our Alfie and Freddy plus two versions of Charlotte!!! I explain its ok, it’s very common infection, apparently, and not to change his name to Stanley-ella just yet. I explained he has to finish his 12 hour shift then drive all the way to Tescos with no prescription and recite his NHS number by heart and get magic un-purplely-swelly-willy medicine…

Hah. Nice and easy. Bippity boppity boop, here comes my migraine…

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