Who is supposed to be the guard dog anyway?

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When you are awake all night, every night, allllllll night…did I mention I am awake all hours????
….you tend to know when things sound suspicious around your house and neighbours…because I have my window on vent all night being the asthmatic wheezy I am, so I am use to the nightly sounds of our neighbourhood. Usually drunken kids around half 10 pretending they are super drunk of a few sips of white lightning and discussing how they all “ffin love you” and sounding out “I to the you to the M C Macdonalds??”

So when I see our side lights go off I do tend to listen extra careful make sure it’s the dog going out for his nightly pee, and not anything suspicious like burgal…. wait….the dog is on the landing! OK…its probably the wind…nope its silent tonight no wind or rain. OK maybe a bird just flew past the ligh…..shit … that’s scratchy sounds as if some one is climbing over our fence!!! OK…don’t panic have a look outside your window gently so you don’t get seen. OH MY GOD there are shadows…climbing over my goddam fence!!!!!!


Run to landing window and see if…..trip over the goddammit shiity guard dog who is fast a ffin sleep and I am being the guard of the house…..
The noise of someone going through my dog flap!!! Kion you are deffo not getting a bone tomorrow!

Wake hubby up gently and remain calm….. “ANDREW SHIT MAN NO JOKE THERE IS SOMEONE TRYING TO GET IN OUR HOUSE!!!!!!!”


Husband leaps up and realises this is not one of my stupid pranks when I am handing him some sort of curtain pole as a weapon and shoves him down the stairs. Courageous hunny runs outside whilst I dangle out of our landing window being the amazing inconspicuous sniper on the roof shouting co ordinates of said intruder, “They have game out the dog flap the light has come back on!! Ther……oh shit…… its a huge stray cat 🐈” hubby on street in boxers holding a curtain pole and thus stray huge Tom cat strolls past him…….. I am so glad he is a forgiving man 🙈😅🤷‍♀️
Stupid X Mark on our house has me paranoid!!!

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